What to do?

Yesterday while driving home from picking up Annie from school, she made the comment that she is half way done with Kindergarten and that she will be in 1st grade soon. Then she was telling me about 1st grade and how it is all day and that she will miss being in Kindergarten and being able to come home for the afternoon.

This conversation has had a profound effect on me. It has snowballed into a gut wrenching feeling that I can't seem to shake. My baby is growing up. All of my kids will be in school all day next fall. What in the world am I going to do with all that time? Now part of me should be rejoicing, but for some reason I am feeling just the opposite. I am sad.

So what to do?

Here are the two most common reactions to my situation:

1. It's time to have another one!

I can honestly say that nothing strikes fear in my heart as much a being pregnant again.
I could go on and on about it, but here is another post for reference. I think Will feels and equal amount of fear also, and would rather adopt that do that again. I know that I can't live in fear. I read other birth stories and love how wonderful and positive they are, but I still have this not so pleasant memory of being pregnant myself. I am usually sick for the majority of my pregnancy, and then have pre-term labor to deal with also.

Another un-founded fear lies in the fact that both my mother and sister have lost pregnancies. My mother's first was still-born and she had at least one miscarriage. My sister lost her first also who only lived for a little while. Then she also had a still-born little boy. I know it is silly, but I can't help to wonder, well when is it my turn?

Besides where on earth would I put a baby? We are so jammed packed in our little trailer as it is, we barely have room for the 5 of us. And not to mention all the baby equipment that I am no longer in possession of. And the cost!

Is it just me or do I sound like I am trying to talk myself out of this?

Don't get me wrong, I really love the idea of having another baby. I even have names picked out too. I love thinking of my older kids helping with a baby. But the reality of it scares me a little.

I've also had the thought that I should be content with what I have been given, and not try to run faster that I am able. I need to take care of the children that I have, right?

And yes, part of it does boil down to comparing myself to others. It is not right. I need to not do that. It is so easy to listen to that negative voice in my head that says, "Well she has ___ number of children so why can't you have more?"


2. Why don't you get a job?

Um. No. Been there done that. Don't really want to do it again unless I absolutely have to. I love taking care of my family too much, and working really drains me and leaves nothing for my family except a grouchy mom.

Well whatever Heavenly Father has in store for me, I'm sure it will be right. Now if I could just tune into that and get some answers.